Your Comfort Zone Has Friends. And They Are Holding You Back.

Who’s influencing your decisions… and should they even have access to your energy in the first place?

In this bold, honest, and slightly spicy episode of Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie, Julie and Mallory tackle one of the biggest hidden reasons people stay stuck: the people surrounding them.

From negative workplaces and draining friendships to outgrowing networking groups, toxic comfort zones, and the fear of evolving beyond other people’s expectations — this episode is your wake-up call to do a serious “circle audit.”

Because here’s the truth:
 You cannot build a bigger life while constantly taking advice from people committed to staying small.

Julie and Mallory dive into:

•  Why your circle directly impacts your mindset, confidence, growth, and success 
•  How negative energy quietly keeps people stuck 
•  The difference between your circle and your network
•  Why successful people often outgrow relationships and rooms 
•  Setting boundaries without guilt 
•  The “crab mentality” story that will absolutely stick with you 
•  Why protecting your energy is not selfish — it’s necessary 
•  How to stop people-pleasing and start choosing yourself 

This episode is part tough love, part empowerment, and part loving kick in the mindset.

If you’ve been feeling drained, stuck, uninspired, or like you’re shrinking yourself to fit the people around you… this episode is your sign that it’s time to upgrade the room.

Because breakthrough starts when you stop giving everyone a vote in your life.

🎧 In this episode, you’ll learn:

•  How to identify who energizes you vs. who drains you 
•  Why growth often requires grieving old relationships 
•  How to build boundaries that actually work 
•  Why networking is not a lifetime membership 
•  The powerful mindset shift that helps you reclaim agency over your life 

Your future is too important to let negativity, comfort zones, and other people’s limitations define it.

It’s time to level up your circle — and yourself. 🔥

breakthroughwmj.com

Follow Mallory and Julie on social media! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Hey, Breakthrough crew. We have titled this episode Stop Caring What People Think and Start Choosing Who Gets a Voice. Because let's face it, it's about seasons, it's about stages in our lives, right? Of our life and who we allow to influence our lives and our decisions. And we have to make better choices. My name's Julie Birch. If Julie Birch speaks, I'm a speaker, a podcaster, an author, and I am fighting my war on self-abdication. I'm all about taking back control. And this episode is right in line with that, the mindset of agency over self.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Hey Breakthrough Crew, this is Mallory Heron. I am a wife, mom, CEO, speaker, author, and podcaster. Also, I really love dogs. They're the best. So I'm so glad that we're talking about this topic in particular because it's really important to be mindful of who you are letting influence you and letting into your life. Um, you might have heard from Jim Roan. Roan There's an agent there. Um, that you are the five people you surround yourself with, and that is true. And sometimes you are limiting yourself because of it.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

That's absolutely true. They're the people, if you look at the people you spend the mo majority of your time with, are they bringing you, are they lifting you up, or are they they keeping you the same? And I think we always have to be looking to level up.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

I agree. I I really do believe that what you give your time and attention to, you get more of. And I'm a person that is very growth-minded all of the time. I want to get better, I want to be the best I can, and I want to lift others up with me. I I really believe there is room for everybody to be successful. So, like, for example, Julie and I are both speakers. We typically speak at the same kind of conferences, we do similar trainings for the same kind of clients. So we're competition for each other typically. I don't view it that way. Not at all. I view it as this is someone that I have admired for so long that I aspire to be like. I want to absorb as much knowledge from her as I can and like bask in the positivity and glow that is Julie. I I don't take an approach of, well, I've got to keep her down so that I can do better. That that blows my mind that some people are actually like that.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

There's space for everyone and we can all raise each other up, right? It's, you know, the the the tide brings all the boats up or whatever the saying is. And I think there's a lot of truth to that. I think that when it comes to understanding that circle, that they shift over time. So when I use like the idea of seasons or stages and ages in our life, I do think that that those can shift over time. I do think we have people in our lives. I know I have m my two best friends that we've been friends forever, since we were kids. And we have taken very different paths in our lives and we do very different things, but we are still at the core. We are, and TNT, you know who I'm talking about, because I know y'all listen. Uh, we are we've taken different paths, but we are still best, best, best of friends. There's also people that kind of come and go in your life. And I think that that circle shifts under those circumstances. I think we, you know, as your as your life changes, as your life expands, and I think when you when you find yourself in a situation where nobody is interested in getting better, no one's talking about being innovative, no one's talking about leveling up or growth. And you said very specifically you have a growth mindset, which is one of the reasons why I love being around you, is because you up my game, you make me better because I'm around people that are focused on leveling up and focused on getting better. And I just think there's so much value in that. And once we get to that level and we we continue to, you continue to shift over the course of your life. And I I think that your circle matters. Are you going to look at things as an opportunity or are you gonna look at things and say, oh, well, you know what, they're not doing it. It's a lot harder to go to the gym when nobody around you goes to the gym, right? If nobody's holding you accountable, nobody's saying to you, did you go to the gym today? That it's a lot harder to go. When everybody else is like, I'm just too tired to go, I just don't feel like it. Oh, I had to had to work a little bit later. I just, I was too tired. When you surround yourself with people who don't take action, then it becomes very easy for you to not take sh take action either. And that's when they start to bring it down. That's why your your circle matters.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Yeah, peer pressure is real. It doesn't come in the form of like people offering you free drugs, which, you know, when you're going through school, you're preparing for this to happen all the time as an adult, and it doesn't. Um, but you are influenced, not just on social media, but especially by the people that are in your life. I know that my husband loves fried food, and who doesn't? It's delicious, but I'm trying to be mindful of my health and improve my health. So I am making myself salads and sending pictures of it to my best friend, and then she sends me photos of her meal. So, like we're kind of in it together.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

And then she walks a lot, she's way more active than me. So the other day I went on a walk and I went just over a mile, which as you're listening, you might think that's not very far. But it was a mile more than I had gone the day before. So it still counts. But a mile is a mile. Yeah, the people that you surround yourself with are a very big influence on you. And a natural thing happens as you grow. When I got married, not all of my friends were getting married. When I had my kids, not all my friends were having kids when I started my business. Most of my friends did not also have their own business. So as my priorities and my world shifted, I had less that we could relate to each other on and talk about. And that doesn't mean, well, we're not friends anymore. It just means you do kind of outgrow people and and start to drift apart. And that's just part of life.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

It is. And I think it's perfectly okay to do that. I think we have to recognize that as we evolve, our our friend circles and our our inner circles are going to evolve as well. But I think what you're saying, the the point that I really love that you made is understanding that happens to everyone in different ways, right? So if you work at a place where everybody is negative, where people complain all the time, where everybody hates the management, everybody hates the policies, it and that's who you're around all the time. Are you maintaining your positive outlook? Are you trying to show the positive side? Are you trying to change them? Or do you become exhausted and feel like, oh, you just give in and you go with the flow? And it's hard to be the person that changes things, but it you have to do it. I always think of the crab mentality of anybody's familiar with this, any of my listeners. If you've been in some of you that have been in my sessions have heard me talk about this, I just think this is the craziest thing. And it's absolutely true. So when they catch crab, like you would eat crab legs, like right crab, then they go out, the fishermen go out on the boats and they they have these big wooden, like crab traps that they drop in the water and they bring them out of the water alive. They can't kill them until they're gonna freeze them, or you can't eat them. So they're live crabs. So they catch these crabs, they bring them out of the water, and then on the deck of the boat, they have these big baskets, these big buckets, and they just put all these live crabs in the bucket all the way to the top. Now, if you think about that, the crabs on the top could totally escape. All they would have to do is chch ch ch ch ch chit over to the edge, right? Drop down across the deck of the boat, dive into the water, freedom. They could get away, but they do not. Why? Because the crab below them will not let them. So crazy but true. The literally, the crabs below them will grab them with their pinchers, they'll hold them down, they'll break off their legs, they will stab them with their pincher and kill them before they will let them escape. It's like that mindset that if I'm stuck here, so are you. Y'all, the first time I heard that, I thought, I have worked with that woman. And I think we all have. But the the catch is are you the crab that's pulling people down? Are you have you allowed the crab to pull you down? Or are you finding ways to maintain, are you changing the crabs you're hanging out with? Because it makes a difference in our lives. And it again, stages and ages, seasons in our life change, but always looking to have the that inner circle around you that's going to lift you up, that's going to encourage you, that's going to nudge you and push you forward makes a huge difference in your life.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

If you think about it from a parent's perspective, this might have been something that they said to you when you were growing up. You might be saying it to your kids or to your spouse about them. But if you think about moms that say, I don't like you hanging out with so-and-so because they're a bad influence. Well, we're still influenced as adults, and you do become the company you keep. And misery loves company. That's true. And I I love this quote from Taylor Swift. She was on her fiance's podcast last year, toward the end of the year, and she deals with so much. Like there's so much attention and pressure on her. The media is like constantly scrutinizing her every move. People love her, people hate her. Like it's I couldn't. But she said, uh, think of your energy as if it's expensive, as if it's a luxury item. Not everyone can afford it. Not everyone has invested in you in order to have the capital for you to care about this. And you have to take that kind of approach to the time that you're pouring into the people in your circle.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

If you are pouring into the people that you get out of that conversation and you just feel drained, they're complaining about everything, that you offer them solutions to their problems and they're just like, oh, that'll never work. Here's why. Why are you still spending so much time with them? It doesn't mean like you can still care about them. I'm not saying you need to be callous, but you're going to get more of what you're focused on. So if does that still align with your goals and what you want to do?

SPEAKER_00 11:03

It's about setting boundaries. Yeah, right. It's it's okay to have boundaries and to limit access, right? I I am working very hard in my life actually to be someone that people that knew me five years ago wouldn't even recognize. And I I want to be the person that is consistently growing and getting better. And I don't want to be around the people that are negative all the time or are satisfied or settled where they are. I need that energy of people that are are wanting to grow and do and create and innovate and all the things. And it's okay. You can still love those people. They can be your family, they can be your friends, but access is limited. And it's okay to set boundaries. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

And I think people kind of get boundaries a little twisted a lot of the time. Boundaries are something that you set and are in your control. A bound it's not a boundary when you say, hey, this is my boundary and you're crossing it. That's if it's external, that's not your boundary. That's just the preference.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

That's exactly right. You control your boundary, right? You can't, it's not up to everyone else, right? You have to you have to enforce the boundary for the boundary to be effective. It makes a difference. I always think of it as who do you absorb, right? Who are you absorbing? What energy are you absorbing from other people? And if it's an energy of negativity, it's an energy of complaining, it's everything is wrong and bad. I I just get, I mean, all you have to do is get on social media half the time and it feels like it's just all this kind of negativity. And uh, I tap out because it will drain you. And I have to set boundaries for myself because that is not who I am and that is not where I'm going. And I I really do. I mean, I want to be unrecognizable, that's my goal. And I want to be around people that can can appreciate and can relate to that. And that means my inner circle, that means the people that I'm closest to, but that also means on a bigger scale, the people that I would be networking with, for example. Yeah. Who am I interacting with from a networking perspective? I read this and I thought this was really interesting. So I wanted to share this with you and with our listeners. The difference between your circle and your network. Circle are the people who influence your thinking, habits, and identity, which makes sense, right? That's why if somebody is reading you wrong, if somebody is only interacting with you or treating you like you were, right? How if you're treating me like I was 10 years ago, then you're talking to the wrong person.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

You don't know me.

SPEAKER_00 13:39

You don't know me anymore. I'm not that person anymore. So it's those are the people who influence your thinking, your habits, and your identity. Your network are people you connect with, learn from, and grow with. Both of them matter, but they do serve different roles. And I think that's really interesting because I think networking is something a lot of us have been told we need to do.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Oh, absolutely. And you do, because even if you don't like it, it really is about who you know and having a relationship with them so they trust you. And it's also interesting to note that with who you're aligning yourself with in office politics, the boss can view you as lazy, unreliable. Uh, the quality's not there when you're hanging out with and spending time with a person that is that way. And with your network, that's something you need to be mindful of and make sure that you're representing yourself in the best way that you can. And there's look, there's a lot of use out of networking, and you can help people that you're networking with too, but that's more of a there's just there is a different purpose to it.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Absolutely. I I think it's interesting that sometimes people don't understand that networking does not have to be a lifetime membership. Yeah. And I was actually just recently I had I I was extremely active in an association, um, served on the national board, and I so I know a lot of people from that association. That association, though, for me, I have outgrown. They're still where they were, they're still doing the same things they've always done. And that it's they're valuable. They were valuable to me at that point in my life, but I have moved past or forward from that. So I think it's okay to acknowledge that we can transition. And I actually was so interested that I had a friend, a colleague that I knew through the association that actually recently posted on social media about exactly that, saying that she'd stepped back from some of her obligations and different associations that she networked with because she was just feeling like she was at a different place and focusing on something different. And I was really actually pleasantly surprised at how many people commented on it and said that they felt the same way, that they have grown from that. The association has stayed the same, but they have grown from that. And I think that the reality of that is that's a beautiful thing. That's perfectly acceptable. That means that you have to find a different room, right? You got to find the group that's the right group for you. And that it's it doesn't have to be a lifetime commitment. You don't have to be a lifetime member, right? It it can be something that as you grow in your life and in your careers you continue to level up. I think the people around us also need to be gr leveling up, and that's that's where we're gonna get the best energy. That's what we're we're going to absorb. And I think that's gonna help us be the most successful.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

Absolutely. And I think someone said, I don't know who, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results. Exactly. So you have to evolve, change is inevitable, and you know, if if you're here, you probably want that growth. And I've gone to networking groups that I've outgrown, and it doesn't mean that I don't like the people, it doesn't mean that they're um not worthy of my time, but I my time is really expensive. So as I'm going to the next level, does it still make sense for me to stay there or should I be in a different room? And that's okay. You're you're good, hopefully you are outgrowing things. You're gonna you're gonna also, the more successful you become, you will also start losing friends, people in your circle, not just your network.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

I'm gonna, I'm gonna call our listeners out here. This is a tough love moment, my hope is that because I say this with a lot of love, but so often we're frustrated with our growth, but you're surrounding yourself with people that are happy with not growing. And if you're hanging around people that are not interested in growing, that are not interested in getting better, then that's exactly what you're gonna do. So you gotta change your circle. You gotta set the boundaries. I think it's absolutely vital.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

That's their comfort zone. Like I get it. It's cozy in there. It is, it's comfy. You got your sweats, your your jammies, your hot cocoa, your coffee, whatever. It's it feels safe.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

Not growing is way easier. Yeah. It's so much easier to stay where you are, and it's so much easier to come up with all the reasons why you have to, why you can't get better, why you can't do anything different. I can't quit my job because I need the money. I can't do this because this person said this. I can't do this because this person would never. Stop it. Stop it. You choose. You know, it this is to me that lovingly kicking you in the mindset, um, no fluff approach that we've really tried to instill in how we approach topics because it it is you. You are your own problem. Get out of your own way. Stop doing what everybody else does and do what you need to do.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

Yeah. Be really careful with who you're letting into your life, especially as it gets closer to you, because you will be influenced by them. It's just gonna happen. And you want it to be for your highest and best good, not something that's gonna drag you down. And uh grieve when you evolve and you lose friends along the way. That's just gonna happen. But think about the opportunities to meet more people, to make new friends, to go into this next phase of your life. So, what are some takeaways in regard to, you know, how do you keep your circle small while also still having a network and the the growth of it all?

SPEAKER_00 19:35

I will tell you one thing I would recommend is that we get in the habit of regularly doing kind of a circle audit. Meaning we look at our life, we look at the people around us, and we look at who energizes us, who, who, when we're around them, we get excited and energized, who drains us, who are the people that when we're, you know, we've gotten off the phone with them or we've left them, we think, right? Like I need a glass of wine after that. Who are those people? Because they're not now I want a glass of wine after every interaction, um, but that's a whole nother issue. But are these, are the people that you are interacting with, are they energizing you or are they draining you? And I think that circle audit becomes really important. I also like the idea of kind of the who gets a vote? Who gets a vote in where you spend your time? And you know, we we self-abdication, we give it away all the time. Well, so and so I had to do this, and because of them they they asked me for this, I had to do that. Stop it. You know, you you're be intentional about you only have so much time. Nobody gets any more time than anyone else. So that time is precious. Just like T Swift said, Yeah, it's very expensive. So who are you, who can afford it? Who can you afford to give it to? And I think that makes a difference. What about you?

SPEAKER_01 20:53

Yeah, I mean, definitely consider the source of who what someone is saying. Do they really know you? Are they do they have your best interests at heart? Don't listen to all the noise. That's right. And set and enforce your boundaries. It's this is hard for me because I have been a people pleaser for so long. You can and should say no. Oh, yes. You you cannot be everything to all people, you cannot make everybody happy. You're the one that's gonna be a good thing. Not a taco for you. Yeah, tacos are so good. No, I want one. But you have to keep that boundary because your time is precious and you don't want to invest it into people or things that are gonna keep you from doing what you want to do.

SPEAKER_00 21:37

I love it. If you want to break through, you gotta upgrade the room. What rooms are you in and what rooms do you need to be in? And it's time to make the upgrade. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Well, I think d do you have any closing thoughts before we go to the panel.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

I hope everybody feels like they got some things that they can take and they can use, something to marinate in and maybe shift their mindset a little bit. I yeah, and please let us.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

know, you know, like, comment, subscribe, all of the things.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

All the things. All the things do those for us.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

So, but yes, let's now move to our segment, Fan Mail Five.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Fan mail five.

unknown 22:12

Fan mail five. Fan mail five.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

We need like a it's a little theme music.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

Noisemaker. I don't know what he's up.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

All right. So this question comes from Kayla in Scottsdale. She says, I feel like I've become a version of myself that other people expect, not who I actually am. How do you even start figuring out who you are again?

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Wow. I would be willing to bet that there are plenty of our listeners, plenty of people in the breakthrough crew that can relate to that feeling. Because I think so often we spend our lives doing all the things we're supposed to do. And then we feel like something's missing and we don't really know even always what it is. I would I would challenge Kayla and anyone who's listening to start to identify what are the things that genuinely bring you joy? What are the things that make when you're the happiest, when you have the pure real joy, what makes you what are the things that make you feel that way and start looking for those. It's not an easy proposition to stop defining yourself by someone else's definition of you, but it's about defining for yourself. So what are the things in your life that you feel real joy in go back to even to the time you were young and identify what were the aspirations, what were the things that you said, you know, when I'm a grown up I'm going to do and what are ways that you can start looking to incorporate some of those things. And I always think be mindful of the way that you talk to yourself and are you doing the things that you're doing because someone else is telling you to do them or is this something you're genuinely choosing? And when you shift the way that you approach every day, I think you can start to find it and then it takes small actions. It doesn't have to be overnight. You that that's something that I think people so get get so wrong is that it well I don't want to be that person anymore. That's it from this day forward I'm totally different. No you're not no you're not no you're not so it's small steps. What what are some things that you could take small actions on that would make you feel that way what are what is it deep down that you feel the joy and that you feel like were those goals and aspirations and how can you take small action steps to get there?

SPEAKER_01 24:36

That's solid advice that 100% I couldn't say it better. I do think that it is something that people experience more commonly than we might realize. And I think of it okay so as women there's just kind of an expectation for us for a lot of things like you're gonna get married you're gonna have kids not everybody wants that but that's the flow of life. So some people will just like okay well this is what I'm supposed to do right now. So it's it it can happen to anyone and being comfortable being bored and sitting with your own thoughts can help quite a bit in like defining who am I? What do I want out of life? Am I acting in alignment with that right now. And if I'm not how do I fix it? And I mean it sounds cheesy, but journaling therapy there's a lot of different things that can help but it starts it's all internal. You can't determine who you are externally from other people.

SPEAKER_00 25:37

That's exactly true. I hope that helps Kayla and I hope that helps everybody that's listening just something to think about. We sure appreciate the questions.

SPEAKER_01 25:44

Please keep them coming we are super excited to engage with each and every one of you we can sit here and talk and we have no problems doing that but we really want to be talking about the things that are uh important to you the things that you'd like to hear some thoughts on so um again go into those show notes wherever you're listening to the podcast and you can there's a link there you can click ask us a question or share a comment you can go to our website uh breakthroughwmj.com you can um interact with us there you can email either one of us from there um go to any of our socials and uh feel free to uh direct message us DM us anytime let us know what your thoughts are what you liked what you didn't like what makes sense and what questions you have and let's keep the engagement going thank you so much all for joining us for this episode of Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie bye bye this episode is brought to you by Julie Birch speaks if you want another boring keynote keep scrolling but if you want an experience meet Julie Julie isn't just a speaker she's the moment your audience didn't know they needed with down home charm a sharp sense of humor and zero tolerance for fluff she delivers real world techniques that make people laugh think and actually do something different when they leave through relatable stories bold truth telling and solid business strategies wrapped in brilliant comedic humor Julie connects in a way that feels like a conversation not a lecture your audience won't be just entertained they'll be equipped energized and ready to level up solid business strategies brilliant comedic humor.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

Find Julie online at julybirch.com or give her a call at 214 6792717 This episode is sponsored by Heron HR, the experts in full service payroll and HR built for growing businesses Heron HR offers a white glove experience and specifically works with small and mid-sized businesses. Their easy to use HRIS system comes with all the bells and whistles you'd expect from a payroll provider including applicant tracking time and labor management electronic onboarding performance management and more that's not all they also provide benefits administration and brokering recruiting training and HR services from the administrative to the strategic heron HR is there to take on as much or as little of your HR function as you want and need. If you're ready for a solution that scales with you if you need full service payroll or you just want a real HR partner they've got you covered. Give them a call today at one eight hundred six zero seven seven seven eight seven or find them online at heronhr dot com